May 25, 2017

Review: 2012 the Movie.

We were warned, indeed...

We were warned, indeed...

Okay, we asked for it. As promised, we managed to see the flick 2012 on opening day and are, well, read on. We decided to attempt to judge this disaster flick against other disaster flicks, which granted, may be a strike in and of itself. Sure, the acting is terrible and the characters forgettable in most disaster movies, but hey, its fun to watch Earth’s cities get decimated sometimes… and movies like Independence Day or Armageddon are at least chock full of memorable lines that get you rooting for the good guys…. heck, I even remember seeing Meteor as a kid back in a theater in the 70′s (that’s how old I am). We here at Astroguyz are well steeped in sci-fi disaster movie lore.

Unfortunately, 2012 leaves you rooting for the tsunami and the inevitable accompanying devastation. I don’t think we’ll be spoiling anyone’s expectations of this predictable piece with the introduction of any spoilers, so we’ll try to be gentle…

2012 opens with a scene that raised our hopes somewhat. Scientists working at a neutrino detector deep in a copper mine in India are detecting anomalous readings from deep in the interior of the Sun. OK, this is great; scientists really do detect neutrinos this way, and in the 1980′s there was a brief conjecture that a solar neutrino deficit might mean that something fishy was up with our nearest star. The science, however deteriorates from there, along with the plot. Expect government conspiracies, galactic alignments, polar shifts and backwoods bloggers uncovering Mayan prophecies (or does Hollywood spell it Profit-cy?) as per the latest new age conjecture. I won’t go into great detail dissecting the whole 2012 debacle; that’s been done in this space previous. What’s especially bad is that the story writers even get the whole 2012 mythos hysteria wrong! How did the Maya get that knowledge? Super-tech? Aliens? And where’s Nibiru, dude? At least a faint stellar companion to our Sun on a long 40,000 orbit might have been passingly possible, ala the Nemesis hypothesis…a little DaVinci Code archeological mystery might have been in order to thicken the plot a bit.

But perhaps what was truly scary was the fact that several audience members seemed to believe that the film was a documentary of some sort! (“that stuff’s 60%-70% real, man; except the tsunamis will be waaaaay scarier…”)

The performances are non-stellar, although we did keep in mind that this is a disaster flick. Woody Harrelson as the chicken-little conspiracy blogger who is finally proven right was probably the most memorable character, although we might argue that the the stereo-type of the nutty long haired-blogger in a remote cabin might not always hold true (hey, wait a minute…)

What Harrelson realizes is that for the past few years, the governments of Earth have known about the impeding disaster (do they follow the Maya on Twitter?) and have been building huge arks in the Himalayas that our heroes must escape to if they are to survive. Millionaires and politicians have also bamboozled their way into procuring seats for themselves and their families, assuring the continuation of their blue-blooded genes. Hey, cool Hollywood spoof alert: say that a world wide disaster is hoaxed so we can bundle up all the jerks of the world in a giant ark (Re: the Glogafrichians in the Hitchhikers Guide…”) Are you listening, Tim Burton?

We here at Astroguyz don’t think that 2012 will unseat our favorite disaster flick, Mars Attacks…but its in the running for our current pick as the worst sci-fi of the year. And with the current trail of made-for-the-SyFy-channel movie duds, that’s an impressive feat in and of itself! Save your hard earned shekels for something deep and thought provoking, such as The Men Who Stare at Goats. Doubtless, 2012 will make its Thanksgiving shopping rounds, some conspiracy theorists will get another 15 seconds (or is it 140 characters?) of fame, and the directors will pocket another fast buck. And the galactic center will cross the solar ecliptic, just like it does every year. And life will go on, we’ll pay taxes, grumble about our respective jobs, and raise a new generation of children so that they can sit through bad disaster movies!

Comments

  1. Jameela says:

    I look forward to seeing the movie 2012? this weekend. The CGI looked great. Maybe the story and acting won’t be up to par for everyone but the 6 bucks I’ll be paying for the matinee…. well… I think it will be well worth the price for the big special effects alone.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Gate atrocity. Rumblings are that now October is the “true” end… can we not wait for 2012, or is this now going to be a web-inspired monthly thing? Have we run out of plausible ideas for [...]

  2. [...] At most, I wondered what his angle was, who he wrote for. Perhaps, like climate change scientists, cosmologists have their own “anti-groupies” that chase them around from lecture to lecture, looking for loopholes to fly their warp drives through. You can almost trace the trajectory of Mr. Big Bang deniers’ path through the next decade from one fringe theory after another. Perhaps he’s still out there, leaving a novel-length comment on a blog just now, or posting another You Tube vid about how the Mayans got it wrong, and 2014 is the REAL apocalypse… [...]

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