May 25, 2017

Colonists Launch Pluto One Project as Historic Flyby Nears

Pluto or bust? Credit: NASA/JHUAPL

As Pluto grows ever-sharper in the view of NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft, so does humankind’s longing to explore the ‘other Red Planet.’

Now, a Florida-based organization calling itself Pluto One is looking to do just that.

On the eve of New Horizon’s historic July 14th Pluto flyby, a group calling themselves ‘Pluto One’  announced that they are funding a one-way, crewed mission to Pluto to colonize the distant world.

The Pluto One logo

“If New Horizons can do a one-way mission, why can’t we?” Said Pluto One founder David Wayne Billy Wayne from his trailer park residence in Hudson, Florida, just north of Tampa Bay.

“We choose to go to Pluto, because, well, as long as folks are looking to fund space exploration via bake sale, why not?” Billy Wayne said as New Horizons images came streaming in.

Writers—and basement bloggers in particular—have suffered from a chronic shortage of photos of Pluto for their conspiracy posts, often resorting to recycling the same six lousy artist’s conceptions and blurry Hubble photos that have been churning around the internet for the past few decades.

This has led to speculation by some that ‘Big NASA’ is hiding the existence on Pluto and its large moon Charon of everything from a Vogon outpost bent on the demolition of the Earth, to a secret Hydra base.

Pluto: is that thing operational?

Recent features spied by New Horizons look promising to Billy Wayne and his team. Speculations on surface features such as ‘the whale’ and ‘the heart’ seen on Pluto speak of complex geochemical  processes at work. And then there’s the promise of the press misinterpreting the term ‘organics’ in any given future announcement from NASA, a sure bet for ‘Life Discovered on Pluto!’ headlines.

“’We choose to go to Pluto’…well, let em,” President Obama said, echoing President Kennedy’s statement from the early Space Race.

“We’ll just need 50 lbs of Pu-238, and lots of duct tape,” Billy Wayne continued, referring to plans to power the proposed Pluto colony with a nuclear power plant. “We plan to land a Costco on Charon first…and ethane ice will be a sure-fire bet for some kickass, on-site home brew.”

Wayne and his team plan to use what they term as an ‘old-school’ Orion spacecraft to arrive at Pluto in a fraction of the time it took New Horizons to make the nine year journey. Orion would consist of a skyscraper-sized spacecraft propelled by atomic bombs detonated to its aft.

An artist’s conception of the Pluto One mission arriving at the ‘other Red Planet.’

SpaceX, NASA, and the Department of Energy have all been unavailable for comment, though the Department of Homeland Security is reportedly interested in just where Pluto On expects to procure its plutonium from.

And then there’s Disney Studios, whose lawyers have noted the sharp rise in the use of the term ‘Pluto’ over the past week, not to mention unauthorized use of the trademarked character’s likeness across social media.

“Let’s just see ‘em try and sue us from four light hours away,” Billy Wayne said.  “It may not be Mars, but Pluto looks red enough for us…”

headed on a path out of the solar system, New Horizons carries nine mementos of Earth culture, including a Florida state quarter. This is expected to really confuse any future alien salvage team, which will likely now mistake humanity for a race of giant balding slug-heads.

New Horizons must perform its observations in a swiftly choreographed ballet on its own next Tuesday, and won’t have time to talk to NASA while it does so. Already, Pluto is revealing itself to be a brave new world beckoning for exploration, or at the very least, a virgin world ripe for the establishment of new Starbuck and Walgreens franchises.

Is Pluto the new Niagara Falls?

You be you, Pluto.  And New Horizons, do it for the kids. Do it for all of the fifth graders who believe in your right to planethood, the visionaries, and profiteering future colonists everywhere who are looking drive a flag straight through your shiny white heart .

Trackbacks

  1. [...] an age we live in. This summer marks the very first opposition of Pluto since New Horizons’ historic flyby of the distant world in July 2015. If you were like us, you sat transfixed during the crucial flyby [...]

  2. [...] an age we live in. This summer marks the very first opposition of Pluto since New Horizons’ historic flyby of the distant world in July 2015. If you were like us, you sat transfixed during the crucial flyby [...]

  3. [...] And to think, it has taken New Horizons about 18 months for all of its flyby data to trickle back to the Earth. Enjoy, as it’ll be a long time before we visit Pluto and friends again. [...]

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